last few hours

OOOhhh I for got my camera.

It was a fun party, dancing and kareoke in a garden gazebo. Everyone was posing for pictures for Lucas' camera...Walde says she will email me some. Everybody was sweet, Walde gave us batiks. My mom sang I Saw Her Standing There with some of the girls, Rohanna made margaritas.

We all danced and then just like that it was over and everybody said their goodbyes. I had warm feelings for the balur people... It is hard because most of us can't really speak eachothers language but we do communicate. Faiza speaks full sentences of bahasa to me and I sometimes understand what she means... I did not cry and I am not really sad to leave. It was such a crazy 7 weeks...My attitude seems so different yet I feel pretty much the same. I used to be kind of superstitious and a little precious about certain things but here I really stopped thinking like that... in a way I was cursing myself. I feel grateful that all of this happened... My mom and I will have so many funny things to remember... Nothing was too scary.....Just sitting here in the Kristal hotel thinking about everything. I hope I am better. I think I am better.

xxxooo

so close

I am pretty much relaxed about going home tomorrow...In a way it is hard to believe what happened in these last 7 weeks. The last balur was Wednesday, and it was a good one but more than anything it was such a relief. Each step I sort of checked off my list and the last smoke session was long.. my room got really smoky and when it was over I was thrilled. Faiza had been asking me to do a make-over on her for weeks... I had NO makeup with me so I bought some Revlon and finally brought it in. I did some of the girls...Faiza had no eyebrows and draws them in everyday (not well) so I did very glamourous brows, it was fun to see them all watching and I think they liked it... I put clear lipgloss and mascara on Walde and she could not stop laughing.

I did not get emotional like in Malang although the hugs were sweet and everybody said they would miss us. Gretha said goodbye and we had a warm hug... She is such an enigma. There is a party today at Utami Geiger's ..she is a subud lady that also takes balur and everybody from the clinic is supposed to be there.

Yesterday we went to a mall for pedicures to hide the coffee stained nails and got a coffee from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf... It was so delicious and we were both in good moods because we are almost going home.

It is still a struggle inside my mind... sometimes I get a wave of panic that I have cancer but usually I feel like I have control over my health and my positive thoughts and feelings are healing and doing balur is powerful...My hope is that I can feel a little bit better every day, every minute and that I stay active in this balur because it needs a lot of attention.

more later...

xxoo

2nd to last balur

Faiza and Waldi
my 2nd to last table... not so black at all

Thank god it was so much better today... Faiza and Waldi were careful and attentive and everybody was in a much better mood. I tried to help Walde with her pronunciation ... when trying to say "ash" she always says "ass". Adi was giggling and in much better spirits, he wanted to know if I know Jennifer Beals... Gretha came at the very end and told me my blood test was good... and we went through some random things...squeezed my boobs, she says I am good so that is great to hear. We had a lot of medicine boxed up...now just trying to figure out how to get it all home... I can't believe tomorrow is my last balur, I have mixed emotions... it has been so life altering. Today before balur I prayed to let go of unneeded anger and I saw big waves crashing that suddenly became tranquil and quiet and I though about it all day...

xxoo

counting down

one of the funny graffiti walls in Malang

Casey Storm?

So much drama at the clinic today ...it was a less than satisfying balur.

They were very busy with many patients so they kept running from room to room and my mom and I both felt rushed and kind of irritated at the lack of focus... then when I was about 2/3 of the way through the power went out. They tried to start a generator which looked 75 years old but it only made my room smell like gassy fumes... As I sat there in the dark, covered in grit and sauces they told me the guy was there to take my blood... for this they brought in a battery powered lamp that looked like it was the set of M.A.S.H....got an enema in the dark too...It was a guessing game! I just wanted it to end ...but there was no water in my bathroom. So I filled a bucket and poured it over my head and went home with a slight film of egg whites. I really want to end in a good note so I am going back tomorrow with a better attitude, I texted with Walde and I think it will be fine...Meanwhile we are trying to get our equipment and supplies ready to bring home... there are millions of packets and frozen things and cigarettes Lord knows how we are going to get it together. It is the countdown...I don't know what will happen when I get home, I am excited to see...

xxxooo

stoned

stoners
yep

well my mom is stoned watching project runway. Rohanna and I are doing the liver flush again, mom backed out due to feeling too tender. I was in my room watching Mad Men and I heard a loud droaning noise and I thought there was a street riot... when I came out, they were listening to Rohanna's daughters music... It was performance art music ..
As I was lying on the floor of the shower retaining an enema, I felt so grateful that I came here and avoided surgery. It was an easy choice to make ... the medical standard of care for this disease is not for me...I still don't really know how this works, I do know Dr Gretha is a mad scientist and I feel like I have control of my health and I feel good. Today I went back to the clinic in Otista and was balured by Walde and Faidja... It was so furious compared to Malang... And also Gretha beat the shit out of me ... mostly my breast. She said the holes are cancer coming out and she used smoke and many liquids and hitting to make it smaller and get it out... she put the big bone right on the holes and blew many many times... and then the hitting... Oh man, it was intense, I can't really remember what I was thinking ... except just take it... After I felt crazy and kind of vibrating. She looked crazy all splattered with dirty ash water. So glad it's over. One week to go. I wonder what it will be like to be home...

xxoo

Malang to Jakarta

Subur and his daughter Nadia... Muslim baby girl headgear...

Dinner friends..and their kids.
Well, we are back in Jakarta... the airport in Malang is like stepping into the 40's... you have to get in line to pay an airport tax...it costs 6000 rupia...about 60 cents. The guy staples the receipt to your bording pass. then you just walk out on the tarmack to the plane. We came back to the Kristal hotel and got a room that is exactly like out old room but backwards, we are disoriented!

Mom made juice..glorious juice. We feel better.

Last night we said goodbye to all the people from the clinic at a big dinner at a noodle place... they brought all their kids... It was really fun. Ina asked if she could call me sister Roz because just calling me Roz didn't sound right...so my name is Ba Roz... She doesn't speak English so she had Rina translate her blessing on me...She says stay strong and think positive thoughts and be healthy... it was so touching , her face while speaking was so sincere, I just started crying and I could not stop...then sweet Rudy told me to be healthy and it put me over the edge... they are so special. I will really miss them. they all stood outside and waved as we drove away.

I felt really tired and bad when I got here but I did coffee balur and 2 enemas and now I feel pretty great...My mom and Rohanna are talking about fractals and particals. We are coming home June 12th... So so close, 6 more balurs. See how it goes...

xxxooo

Rina's birthday

singing weird happy birthday

Rina is the actual spelling... I didn't get it right on the cake. It was Rina's 44th birthday yesterday, we got her a fancy cake. they sing a wierd version of happy birthday...

Tomorrow we go back to dirty old Jakarta, so today was the last 4 hour balur with super sappy lovesongs...Like anywhere there are politics and gossip in the clinics, constant chatter. I can kind of tell what they are talking about....bullshit. It is a challenge to focus in there with all the talk, but there is really no way around it. I had 5 people smoking me at one point today and 3 were boys/men... In Jakarta Dr. Gretha got furious that Adi was in the room with me and he got in trouble...we are not allowed to tell her what it is like here... secrets and lies...but it will be hard to do it at home too and distractions are everywhere so it is good practice.
We are going out to dinner with all of the balur folks tonight... only Rina speaks english so it should be interesting.

I have had a fat little gekko in my bathroom for a couple days... they call them chichak. So packing and shuffling to get ready for out trip ,...plus as usual I am starving. We are drinking apple juice to prepare for another liver flush this weekend... I can't wait to be reunited with my juicer...

xxxooo

xxooo